I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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