can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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