I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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