I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
should my penis look like a turkey
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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