just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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