I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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