How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
we should paint friendship bongs
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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