there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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