My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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