If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
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