The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
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I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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