somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I need to stop coming to work sober
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
