it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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