She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
