you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
