also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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