I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
