I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
