oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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