I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
