glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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