Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
