This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
