So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
