I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
