i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
