I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
