fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
