"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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