someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
