this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
