Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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