i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
