I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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