I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
