I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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