there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
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Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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