guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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