yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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