I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
