Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
