I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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