I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
