I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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