I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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