return my video game
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
