I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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