Your face is a jimmy john
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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