i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
