Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
