stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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