The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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