You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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