In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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