Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
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dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
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The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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