Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
