If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
