I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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