I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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