when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
