somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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